I've been on Facebook for nearly a year now, and the one thing I haven't found is a really good Field Guide, to explain the behavior in this new wild. And you probably won't find that here, but for the record, here are a few phenotypes I'm starting to recognize:
1. The News Announcer. Yes, it’s all over the news, but that’s no reason not to update your status too, you Chilean caveminer rescue fan, you!
2. The Vaguester. You know we all care about you, but really, I have no idea what you’re talking about when you say “Change is in the wind.” Hope it's good. (Like!)
3. The Appster. You Like your quizzes, but I am sorry, I am not about to find out what you voted about me.
4. The Hacked. In a similar vein, I am NOT clicking on that link which supposedly has embarrassing info about me, friend! It can't be a bad as that one video, anyway.
5. The Friendster. 4000 friends? Really? I don’t believe you KNOW all of them. But in case you care, last I checked, Sarah Palin has more than 2 million. And if you don't Like her, Barack still has 5 million!
6. The John Denver Tribute Singer. He’s one of my friends. He gets his own category.
7. The Tweeter. This is the person who tweets, and then their Facebook status updates automatically. The rules of social networks are still forming, but for the record, I think it's ok to tweet salad dressing preferences, but FB status updates deserve better. That's just me. (Goddess Rules!)
8. The IPhone Photographer. Thank you for the Safeway sale alert picture! I’m there! Keep it up--I like the photos.
9. The Single Demention. This is the person who talks about one thing, ALL THE TIME.
10. The Scaredy Cat. The person who never talks. This can also be the person who truly doesn’t care. They’re both pretty cool a lot of the time.
11. The Morn Star. Do you really get up that early, or do you hire someone to post for you?
12. The Night Hawk. Same thing, different hour.
13. My High School Friend. Some of those friends know where the bodies are. But I have to accept the friend request, just the same, or maybe just because.
14. The Mafia fan and the Farmer wannabe. If you’re on FB, you know what I’m talking about.
15. The Runner. It seems like a lot of people always seem to be doing foot races and runs, and talking about them and stuff. Facebook is so weird this way. I don’t know how I know so many. The only time I run is if I’m being chased, like by a bear or the cops or something.
16. The Fan. I used to fan everything.
17. The Fam. Actually, haven’t seen many of them yet.
18. The Spoiler. C'mon!! Did you really have to tell the whole world what happened in last night's Mad Men season finale?? SOME of us watch the videos, you know.
Please don't unfriend me, if you're one of my friends. Just flame me in the comments.